Aging Pooch Declares Retirement from Guard Dog Duties, Prefers Guarding Couch

SUNNYVALE, CA—Veteran guard dog, Bruno, a stoic German Shepherd with over a decade of service, officially announced his retirement from all guard dog responsibilities this Monday. The announcement was made from his favorite spot on the living room couch, a location he now vows to protect with the same fervor he once reserved for his family's home.

"I've had a good run, barking at mail carriers, scaring away squirrels, and alerting my humans to the nefarious pizza delivery guy," Bruno stated, nestled between throw pillows. "But it's time I focus on guarding what truly matters: this incredibly comfortable couch."

Bruno's family expressed their support for his decision, albeit with some confusion. "We appreciate Bruno's years of dedicated service, though we're not entirely sure how to break it to him that the couch doesn't exactly need guarding," remarked his owner, Jessica, as she tried to find a spot beside Bruno.

The seasoned canine insists that his new role is crucial to the household's wellbeing. "You see, this couch is the heart of the home," Bruno explained, eyes half-closed. "My presence here deters unwanted visitors, such as that cheeky cat from next door or any vacuum cleaners. Plus, I'm pretty sure I add to the decor."

Bruno's retirement plans include extensive napping, receiving belly rubs, and perfecting the art of silent but deadly flatulence, which he claims is his new method of crowd control. "It's all about working smarter, not harder," Bruno added with a wise nod.

When asked about his previous duties, Bruno remarked, "Let the younger pups chase their tails and bark at shadows. I've earned my stripes and this prime spot on the couch. Just try to move me."

At press time, Bruno was seen executing his duties by growling softly in his sleep, a clear warning to any would-be intruders dreaming of encroaching on his cushy domain.

Note: This article is a work of satire for the amusement of pet owners everywhere. Remember, every dog deserves a comfy spot to retire.